Sacrifies + Priorities or "My attempt to quantify what the choice to have kids does to a person's life...without actually having any of my own."

I don't have children. Yet. But I do think about them, and I try to be conscious about my daily choices - whether or not I'm moving toward a life that is ready to embrace children. My life is filled with people who chose to include children in their lives much earlier than I have and others who will choose to not have children, period. I don't presume that it's my place to comment to other's about their choices, rather I choose to comment on the choices in relationship to where I am with mine. I'm older than the typical child bearing years in the US. There were times in the past when children were discussed but for a variety of reasons, it was never the right time. I really don't like the term "having it all" because it just exacerbates our societies perception that unless you're multitasking 30 hrs a day, you're not successful or doing enough. I also don't like the idea that having children requires "sacrifices" rather I like to think of it as making a conscious choice to shift priorities. Resentment of offspring comes from having children without really making the commitment to the shift in priorities.

Right now I have a photography business.  I have immense flexibility combined with infinite possibilities for what to do with my day.  My bedtime and wakeup time fluctuates rapidly, I can eat only nuts and berries for dinner (or coconut milk ice cream), I don't HAVE to work on any given day but the fact that I get to choose what I do on any given day is delightful.  I love my boyfriend, we're quite perfect for each other.  We're independent and dependent, and we enjoy the ebb and flow.

I have friends who, from time to time, lament their situation and wish they could be where I am, doing what I'm doing.  I remind them that I sometimes feel the same way toward them.  Every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else.  I said no to children, during my 20's and now into my 30's, for various reasons: not with the right person, not where I want to be financially, not ready to be 99% selfless, I love to sleep in, etc.  What I did instead was travel, educate myself, examine my beliefs, experiment with foods/diet, partied, stopped partying.  All of those things can be done with children but in a different and to a different extent.  What I find myself doing now is preparing for children.

I'm educating myself on home-schooling, various websites about child development, talking with friends whose parenting styles I admire.  I'm creating habits in my own life that will help shape and create structure for little ones in the future.  I'm discussing topics and issues with my boyfriend that will help us shape our joint parenting style.

I know what my friends tell me about life changing when you have kids.  The sleeplessness, the selflessness, the lack of privacy, the utter exhaustion...and somehow, after all this time of saying no to all of that...I am pretty ready to say yes.  We're close, just not quite yet :)

What I know about right now.

"Right now it's 3am.  Unlike a very popular Matchbox20 song from the 90's with a corresponding phrase of "I must be lonely", I am not lonely.  I'm watching TV next to my boyfriend J, my kitty is curled up on the end of the bed and I'm writing a blog.  Ok, so that's the immediate right now.

What I really mean about "right now" is the point I am at in my life.  I'm 32.  I'm no longer working for anyone other than myself.  I'm supposed to be super happy with where I am in my life and for the most part I am.

I have a bad habit of doing a lot of what I call futurizing.  I think about tomorrow...later...the future...and wishing away the now with what could or might be.  However, the thing I forget on a regular basis is that all my tomorrows are really made up of a lot of right nows."

I wrote the paragraphs above on October 27, 2012.  I must have been having some sort of "ah ha" moment.  Did I do anything with that "ah ha!" moment?

Here's what my right now looks like: I'm still 32, I'm still working for myself (and loving it!) and I'm trying to wake up every single day, taking it one day at a time.  Being that "how I spend my days is how I spend my life", I have been trying to incorporate more movement into my daily life, make healthy food choices and find balance between my personal and professional life.

I'm doing pretty well...check back with me in a month, I hope to have some more great updates!

What I know about music.

I used to play piano as a kid, never learning how to actually read music, I would memorize how the songs sounded and then plunk away at them at home in between lessons so I could play them from memory while appearing to read the notes on the paper. I still haven't learned how to read music.

I have a guitar, it sits either in it's case (when I'm cleaning) or out on it's stand (when I feel like it's "time to learn how to play the guitar"). I still haven't learned how to play.

I love music, it touches me more than any other art form I know of. I like photography but often I am not moved by another photographer's work, I simply like to take photos. Movies, eh, I can find them entertaining, perhaps shed a tear now and then. But I can remember exactly what song what playing and where I was when I found out the best friend of my unknowing highschool crush died..."I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston, played over and over as I sat crying in my room, thinking that he must be hurting so much right then. It still gives me pangs. When the song comes on that reminds me of when my Great Grandma died, I smile because I know she's looking down on me with her husband making sure I don't run out of gas before I get to the gas station. Certain George Winston songs remind me of Christmas at my house, and I can almost smell the cinnamon water my mom boils to make the house smell good during the holidays.

Music touches my heart and it brings me to another place in time. It is hard for me to move away from songs that are tied to a strong memory. With any sense-memory, they put me right back where I was, what I was feeling, good or bad. Some songs I wish I could listen to without having that effect but it will never be.

For better or worse, music will inspire me and haunt me. I hope someday that I can compose something that someone will feel touched by...until then, I will keep taking in the inspirations that others put out on the airwaves. Music is sharing someone's emotion through time and space.

What I know about Sundays.

Sundays are delectable. They are slow, relaxed, peaceful periods of time where I collect my thoughts and get ready for another hectic week. I've tried to find a way to make all my days Sundays but as of yet I still have a lot of Mondays on my schedule.

I'm not entirely convinced that Sundays are they way they are simply because they don't contain work. I work on Sundays, photoshop, housework, etc. But something about them is different from any other day on the week. Mondays are just painful, starting a long uphill battle to the next delicious Sunday. Tuesday doesn't really hold a lot of feelings for me either way, other than being happy Monday is over. Wednesday is pretty much the same as Tuesdays except there is a hint in the air of resignation at the fact that it's the middle of the week no matter how you look at it and you move on. Thursdays for me are really my Fridays as I have Friday off of my full-time job. So I get excited for Thursdays. It means sleeping in the next morning. Fridays, while they are the end of the work week for most people, are my productive days. Still during the work week, Fridays make running errands easier, since most people aren't out shopping and I can avoid the craziness of Saturday shoppers. Saturdays, since I work, are a wasted day of the weekend until after 4 pm and then it's time to prepare for Sundays. My day :)

There are a myriad of things I do with my Sundays, firstly including sleeping in a bit later than usual (I wake up about the time I'm normally expected at work...feels a bit devious even if I wasn't supposed to be at work anyway). Second, coffee. I have coffee almost every day but it is usually in a nondescript paper cup with a plastic lid that doesn't evoke any emotion or offer any comfort. My Sunday coffee is in a cup of my choosing, which I believe makes or breaks the day. Today it's my T.G.I.F (Thank God I'm Fabulous) cup, which always means it's going to be a good day. As I sip my coffee, this morning I'm writing this blog but other mornings may be spent with my cat, Lola, perched on my lap while I sit on the chaise lounge in front of my window. Right now she is on her perch, which is another popular spot for her on most days. Lastly comes the list of things I COULD do today, which is different than the list of things I SHOULD do on any given day.

1. Nap (this is always a top of the list item)
2. Crochet (still trying to finish that burgundy afghan I started about 8 years ago)
3. Organize my photographs (an on-going project I chip away at)
4. Cook

I stop here because this item on the list is an important one for me. It's fall time in MN, which means the start of chili season (excuse the segway) and chili for me is a wonderfully awesome activity for a Sunday...which is why we often have chili on hand in the fall/winter months. Combining all the ingredients into a pot and letting it simmer for most of the day is perfection. Ok, back to the list.

5. Photoshop (I am constantly honing my skills and a day without actual work means I can play).
6. Photography
7. Chatting with friends and family
8. Writing letters (I am trying to bring back that wonderful tradition, as I know I am excited when I get a letter in the mail from a friend).
9. Crafting
10. ...

I leave 10 open because I never seem to get all the way down there. My list of things to do is filled with things that make me happy no matter which one I choose. I realized a couple of weeks ago that my posting on Facebook of disliking my return to reality after an amazing weekend was sort of depressing. Why do I feel depressed when I go back to my life after doing something fun? Could it be that I need to fill my life with more Sundays? I think so. So I challenge you to find your Sunday, whatever that means to you, and fill your life with with that day. Even if you just insert a Sunday hour into each day, it will make you a happier person I guarantee it. So...how is your Sunday?

What I know about tea...

Tea, for me, started off as a thing I did for an ex-boyfriend. I'm a coffee drinker by nature but because it was a tradition for his family, I tried it. At first I was hesitant, fearful that I would somehow like it more than coffee, which was an unfathomable concept since coffee and I have a tight relationship.

I started by drinking PG Tips, a British black tea which was served as a common afternoon treat with crumpets or like-wise cracker type nibblets. My first cup was successfully poured down the drain after I let it sit too long and cool. It became too bitter for me to even finish. My second cup complete with milk and sugar was finished but not necessarily enjoyed. I think I was still having coffee-replacement fears but I began to understand that it was less about the actual drinking of the tea that was important, rather the company and social aspect of it. Like the hookah of the hot drinks family.

Overtime I developed a taste for the black tea and ventured out to discover what other flavors I could find. Mint green tea proved to be a winner almost from the get-go and continues to be a staple in my kitchen. Some flavors failed, mostly in the red tea department, but recently I discovered a red tea that has me hooked. Celestial Seasonings Red Safari Spice.

Discovered at the urging of an aunt of mine while recovering from a two week-long cold, this tea has amazing powers. Really. Think of a winter, Christmasy flavor of cinnamon, cardamom, ginger, piquante peppers, blackberry, cloves and bananas (I know!)....with the aftertaste of freshly hot apple cider. Sometimes my teas require a bit of sweetening but this one is perfect as is. I like it not only for it's colorful mural on the box of safari animals on safari (so fitting) but because it reminds me of the holidays at at time in the season when it is still 4 months out (despite Target's push to get the decorations up way early this year).

After years of drinking tea, I can safely say that my relationship with coffee is still going strong. What tea provides for me is a hot drink alternative when I don't really need the jolt of caffeine that coffee provides. It comforts me, soothes me...relaxes me. At this point in my life, tea is my elixor for when my nerves are shot and I need an escape.

So while I don't know everything about tea, I do know this: it makes me happy.

What I know about running.

I do not run as a physical exercise; I do, however, often use the word "run" when referring to relationships.  It seems to fit better than any other descriptive I've come across.  Relationships are not things that happen to us, rather they are entities that we are a part of in some way. Even with people we haven't met, a relationship still stands; your relationship to that person is as "strangers" and there are meanings and connotations that go with the name.  So even at the most remotely connected level, there is still a connection.  Running a relationship, though, comes with time. It's the movements, emotions, actions, reactions that come with knowing someone over time and becoming familiar with their patterns and them with yours.  In relationships, you cannot hit the ground "running" (with one exception that I will discuss later).  From my friends who are runners, they say it's a gradual buildup when you start a running program if you want to succeed.  You never want to start off at full pace, for you will find yourself tired very soon and risk hurting yourself if you haven't stretched and prepared.  But, after you get started, you start to experience a "runner's high", a feeling of euphoria that makes the run easier.  

There are a lot of relationships I don't know how to run.  Siblings, father-daughter, orphan.  My longest running relationship to date is as the only child of a single mother who spent my childhood making sure I never questioned her dedication or love for me.  That's an extremely high mark to live up to if you're a new person coming into my life.  I guess we're all only really able to "run" in whatever relationships we've come in contact with and the ones we've been the closest too seem to the ones we often carry on into our later life.  I've had the pleasure of running in relationships that flow with ease, gradually morphing into some of the best relationships of my life.  I've also had the discomfort of entering late in the race into a very destructive relationship run that spun a web of lies, hurt feelings and ultimately a very untimely and sad ending.  Not all runs are clean cut.  Sometimes the race stops and starts many times, taking twists and turns with no real end in site.  No two runs are the same.  

The biggest mistake is assuming that once you run one race, you know how to do it perfectly.  While we're all running, we're not all at the same pace, we're not all heading in the same direction and we're not all on the same course.  Let's bring it back to relationships.

The one exception to the rule of not hitting the ground running in relationships is the relationship you have with yourself.  No one knows you better than yourself, but we're never given a manual on how to run that relationship.  Everyone grows, changes, evolves.  And it's those everyones that make relationships possible. 

With other sorts of relationships (friends, romantic, professional), we start off for the most part on equal ground.  Neither party really knows what to expect outside of the general nature of each relationship.  Friends have the expectation of a mutual respect and admiration for each other.  Business partners have the expectation that you're working together toward a common goal.  Romantic joinings are the messiest of the sort, as they sort of intermingle friendship, business and romantic into one and sometimes expectations can get muddled.  This is why you can't hit the ground running in a romantic relationship.  There are really three heats to this race.

Heat one of the race is really just that: heat.  It's when you find something attractive in them that piques your sexual and sensual interest and you start thinking you could "really see myself this this person".  This is the part of the run that should be taken slow and steady.  Think of it as lap one.  You'd never start off a romantic race at a dead sprint because by lap two, you're completely spent and eventually at that pace will have to stop cold or keel over.  Second lap of the race is the most crucial.  You're still in the race of romance but now you're past the initial lust factor and really getting to know the person.  Sometimes there really is only lap one of the race and then you start over.  But if you can get to lap two, you find yourself being tested, your endurance is put into play and you really see where the race could go.  With the romance already in play, the friendship piece is introduced.  You start to make a daily conscious choice to be with this person, despite their annoying habits and faults.  This is also the point where the race becomes steady.  This phase could last anywhere from 3-50 laps, give or take a few.  When you've run together for a while, you start to realize that you're running on the same course and that you want to continue running together.  That's when the business part of the deal comes it.  By business I don't mean a cold, calculated type of exchange, rather it's the final "deal" that you make with this person that you plan to run this race, with all it's hills and valleys, with them for life.  We'd all like to believe that we make this deal once in our life, some do, some don't.  For those who make this deal for life, they have chosen to run next to someone who cherishes them as a whole person.  Feeling this type of love is an amazing thing, almost impossible to describe to someone who's not experienced it.  

I will never take up running as a sport, it's not in my nature.  But I do choose every day to take up running relationships with people I encounter.  If you realize that the runnings of life eb and flow like running rivers, you can take more of life's bumps in stride.  People will run in and out of your life, relationships will run their course.  But the one person who will never run out on you is yourself.  This is the most important relationship to know how to run.  Like people always say, "you can't love someone till you love yourself" which is a romanticized version of "get the running of yourself in order and running a relationship with someone will be a hell of a lot easier".